Memmie Strikes Back

FIRST CODE

2009-12-24T13:25:17Z

Last night was intense working at the hospital. In the middle of the night, all was quiet on my floor when I heard an overhead page for an ABC alert on the floor right above me. That means that someone has no pulse and is not breathing. Because I was pretty much caught up with my charting, my charge nurse let me go and assist. Things were crazy, lots of people packed into a tiny room with a frenzy of activity going. For the first part I was a runner, getting supplies that were needed, looking up information and entering orders. When they started chest compressions, I stuck around because I remember being told that doing cpr requires a lot of energy and will wearing you out quickly so lots of people would likely be needed. I ended up doing chest compressions I think the longest out of everyone. Sweat was pouring off me, the back of my arms burned. I cracked about 5 ribs in the process, but that's what happens during cpr, an unpleasant fact that no one ever bothers to tell you about. The whole code went on for about 45 minutes, they tried giving him several rounds of drugs that should have brought him back, just didn't work. In the end the person did not survive, a tragedy for sure. But an amazing experience nonetheless and I certainly went back to my patients with a little more reverence and care. This all ended at 0115 in the morning, but i am still hyped upon adrenaline.

In any case, merry christmas everyone! It's odd what we nurses find exhilarating, no matter how awful it is.

memmiebear @ 2009-12-20T21:15:00

2009-12-21T02:15:24Z

Hey, it's one of those rare moments I feel like writing. I always feel like writing when I feel like crap. Life is going well on the whole, but right now I am over worked, over tired, and over stressed. My biggest thing right now is that everybody -EVERYBODY it seems that I know is pregnant. My coworker is several months along and just announced her engagement today. My friend from school that I graduated with is pregnant with her second child, her friend is pregnant, most people i knew when adrian was a baby and tried out the baby get together groups with is pregnant or already has their second child and now to top it all off, my friend who wanted to get pregnant around the same time with me is now pregnant and I feel like absolute shit because we have been trying since last March and nothing...NOTHING is happening. It's an especial blow to hear that my friend is pregnant, though I am very very happy for her, but just the past couple of days I've been telling my husband over and over again, I have this gut feeling that I'm not going to be able to have a second child. This is TMI for all of you and I don't care a whit, but I need to get it out. But I have super irregular cycles and I have ever since I started having periods at 11. This of course is all exascerbated by the fact that I work night shifts, supporting my family, trying to live a normal up-during-the-day life cycle to be with my husband and son, and generally being under a ton of stress because when I am working, i have to be on point all the time and I give my patients 120% of my whole living breathing being for 13 hours at a time. Then when i come home I try to do the same for my son because he is so high energy and demanding. My body is being torn in all sorts of directions and right now I am on the verge of crying, which I never do! I just feel so helpless over the flow of my life sometimes. And all this stress that I am experiencing on top of crappy sleep and chronic fatigue means that my chances of getting pregnant are almost nil. I want so badly to be able to have another child. I see my coworker frequently and secretly I burn with such jealousy. My son is now three and at this point even if I got pregnant now, he will be 4 by the time another one i born, and it jsut means starting all over again with the sleepless nights and even worse fatigue on top of what I have now and what I have always always always have had. Why do I never seem to get a god nights sleep? I can think of two morning in the past....ever that I felt even remotely rested. I am a walking zombie. Also, Adrian is getting so old that I am afraid that by the time another child is born, he will be so used to being the only child, that he will have a hard time adjusting to another child, and that they will be so far apart in age that they won't connect and play with each other the way I envision it all happening. I am feeling very disappointed in my own body and the way it is all playing out. I should have learned by now that life doesn't happen they way you want it to EVER and that you almost always get dealt a hand you aren't too happy with, but learn instead to work with it and be happy. Guess I set my expectations too high.

memmiebear @ 2008-12-20T23:31:00

2008-12-21T04:37:34Z

Sometimes I forget that this journal exists. I forget that I had so many things to fulfill by posting my rantings and ramblings and feelings. Time goes by and I grow older, my ambitions shift as well as my priorities.
Is it funny that there is an old lady inside of me just waiting to burst forth and be recognized. Every gray hair is a hallelujah, every crease is a monument of every moment I have lived through, survived.
Haaaallelujaaaaaah
Halleluuuuuuuujah
Hallelujah

Newest Painting

2008-08-21T03:20:43Z

So this is the newest painting i have completed. If you want to see the full size, go to http://mommily.deviantart.com/art/The-Door-Of-Destiny-95523393 and click on the thumbnail. I am very happy with it!! It's taken directly from a photo (I don't have the link for it off hand) that I found on DeviantART. What do people think?

Adrian's Birthday

2008-08-20T14:30:50Z

Hey all! It's Adrian's 2nd birthday today!! We are doing such a last minute, barely planned birthday party. Whatever, it's just about having food and playing at this point. Maybe next year I'll do something more planned out. I've been distracted and now I think I am harboring strep somewhere in my tonsils.
Just got recertified for CPR yesterday for school. One more year left then I can be a nurse! Very exciting.
HMmm I SHOULD be thinking of games for kids to play but i'm feeling unmotivated. Musical chairs, definitely.
Alrightie shower time before family gets home!!

memmiebear @ 2008-04-18T10:30:00

2008-04-18T14:37:04Z

I'm still here, kind of. I never check anyone's livejournal anymore, just thought it would be a good idea to drop by, check in.
Life is stressful, hectic crazy, satisfying and not, depending upon what you ask me about. I've sprouted several gray hairs in the past year, added on a couple fine lines, pounds, etc etc.
Happy as could be with my husband and son. They are my rock steadies in life and dependable to the core. I want another baby very very badly so Adrian can have someone to play with, plus I just want one. :P It'll happen soon enough.
Saving up for a down payment on a future house. That's also a ways off, but we're working up to it.
I just got into gardening. I randomly had an urge to do it a couple weeks ago and it's stuck with me since. Started some basil, green beens, and chamomile. With my luck i will kill the plants since I have no idea what i'm doing.
School is crap. This program is not good for many many reasons, but I need to stick with it so I can do what I've always wanted to do.
Mm yeah that's about it. Time to go catch the bus to go go home. I'm at school at the moment. Silly bandwidth limitations or else I'd be playing World of Warcraft right about now

Love you Cyrus

2008-01-28T03:51:33Z

Hey all I jsut thought i'd point out for those who might have forgotten,tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of Cyrus's passing. I still miss him very much and i hope that wherever he is that everything's ok. Live and Let Die, for sure. Everyone has to let go some time

memmiebear @ 2008-01-27T20:20:00

2008-01-28T01:21:34Z

For the LOVE OF GOD someone needs to make an a capella version of Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die" it would be AMAZING!!

memmiebear @ 2007-10-09T15:36:00

2007-10-09T19:47:27Z

Fuck people who try to tell you how to parent.

i had biked to Aldi's to do some light grocery shopping with my son. Of course they didn't accept credit cards so someone had to put my food back and I left empty handed. When I got outside it was thundering and lightening out and raining. I was just going to take it slow and avoid puddles so I didn't loose traction and Adrian loves being in the rain, so no big deal. But this older woman came out and smiled and me and said,

"You can't take your son out in that?"

And I asked, curious, thinking she was going to say the roads are slippery,

"Why's that?" Reasonable response.

"Because he could get hit by lightening!" She sounded sorta ticked at this point.

"Yeah well, I have no other choice, I have to get home."

And she tried to argue with me for a minute about this point and I just got so pissed because her tone completely implied that I am a horrible mother because I would take my son out in the rain and he could get hit by lightening. WTF. All I could say was "I'm not going to put my son at an unreasonable risk for anything." I love how mother styles are judged for the smallest thing and it's BULLSHIT. I felt like coming back at her with something like, "Well, you better not get on that bus because there's more of a chance of it crashing than a lightening bolt striking my son." This is the second time someone has questioned how I safely (or unsafely) handle my son, the first being absolutely incorrect, and I know it's going to happen ALOT over the years and I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do. WOuldn't people know that I have my son's own best interests in mind? Seems that they don't. FUCK

memmiebear @ 2007-06-05T14:29:00

2007-06-05T18:29:41Z

Adrian also likes to pull old banana peels out of the garbage and eat them.

memmiebear @ 2007-06-05T14:25:00

2007-06-05T18:28:29Z

I know I shouldn't reward kids with food, but the only thing I've gotten Adrian to walk for are Kix. I'll hold out my hand with a few in them and he'll todder a couple very shaky steps over. He did his most today ever...3! THe third almost didn't count but it did. He's so cute. A gruff sounding, looking older guy in the bank today said he was good-looking. He def is.

We're moving at the beginning of August into a 2 bedroom apt. in FALL CREEK for LESS than what we're paying now for a one bedroom. Happy days. Maybe Jerry and I can have a night without Adrian squishing one of us over to the side of the bed.

memmiebear @ 2007-06-05T14:25:00

2007-06-05T18:25:36Z

I really miss Cyrus.
But I also can't help but believe that his life didn't stop when he hit rock bottom. Literally. I talk to people who used to know him and they agree. At the Ithaca festival on Saturday I think it was, I ran into Mel, who was his ex and we got to talking about him and how we each had had signs that maybe there was something more to this. Like dreams. I might have written about mine a little while back. But I know it wasn't just a dream. I feel it in my bones. I feel like he's kind of watching out over me and my son and he knows what's going on.
Maybe I'm still dillusional in my grief for I have never gotten over what happened, even if it was almost 4 years ago. His departure of this world has left me very very scarred for life and I think about him a lot. Everyone who knew himagreed that even before he died, there was something special abotu him that no one could put their finger on. I bet he had wings he kept tucked under his skin.

memmiebear @ 2007-04-21T17:03:00

2007-04-21T21:04:35Z

I got my wedding dress! I got my wedding dress! I GOT MY WEDDING DRESS! :) And it's poofy and rockin. Also go the veil, shoes, bra and slip to go with. I am stylin.

http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridal_gowns_detail.jsp?stid=2789&prodgroup=159

Thanks to mom and dad

Child Dedication

2007-04-08T16:47:50Z

For all those UUers out there...
I just participated in the UU child dedication ceremony for Adrian. He was presented to the congregation, I spoke his name, he got touched on the forehead with water people had combined from all over the world and was given a yellow rose, which he later broke and ripped petals off of during the rest of the service. We managed to save part of it and I'll be drying it to give to him later. I'm happy that I could do this for him and I hope that he might become an active part of the UU church later on in life.

Happy easter all!

memmiebear @ 2007-04-07T20:43:00

2007-04-08T00:49:36Z

Adrian Update

Adrian is now 7 and a half months old and he's crawling and beginning to cruise. He can stand up on his own for a short period of time and his bottom two front teeth are coming in. He's still not sleeping through the night but that's ok. I still love him to death. Right now I'm feeding him, trying to coax him to sleep, but he's been very hard to put down lately. He's over 27 inches tall and 21 lbs. My boy likes to eat!! Just like mommy. Jerry says we're a lot alike, and I can see that. He apparently sleep crawled last night, trying to get onto the bed. I woke up to see the tail end of it and it was hilarious. Mm not too much else to say because my hands are full. Peace out all!

Oh yeah, and he's hooked to the Of Montreal music video "wraith Pinned to the Mist"

Uninvited -Morissette

2007-02-28T04:49:22Z

You know what that song is like?

It's like a purge.

The more I listen to it, the more I can feel all the anguish I horde against past relationships and situations slowly build and build, till it's pressing against my chest, wanting to burst out. But then it all flows out and I feel vindicated, comforted, powerful, awake, lots of things. I feel like I could crush the world in the palm in the palm of my hand.

What I see while listening to Alanis Morissette

2007-02-28T04:26:55Z

Bell strikes, lone figure walks in, looks up in supplication.
Air ripples in flashes of memories of sensual, lucid moments in bed.
Fade to faint glowing colors in the background, swirling , encircling the woman climbing stairs to nowhere. Higher and higher
Girl laying in a field alone under the stars, fetal position, crying. The sky flashes around her and she's running, runs off a cliff and is caught in an updraft of air, soaring downwards, colors exploding around her, look of ecstacy and hatred mixed on her face.
Door slamming with force and zooming away. Girl walking away into fading blackness. Spotlight on a kneeling figure, holding herself, head tucked to chest. Shapes forming around her, getting more and more violent in motion, sweeping her up, anguish thick in the air until it all clashes together into one garish display and dissipates to nothing.

memmiebear @ 2007-02-27T21:36:00

2007-02-28T02:32:12Z

Ugh, wedding stuff just never goes as one plans. I just found out when trying to block off a hotel for the wedding that it's fucking NASCAR weekend. Meaning every single hotel in this region is absolutely sold out. Now I'm going to call around to bed and breakfasts around town to see what they can offer but we're going to most likely have to change the date after all the effort I've painstakingly put into making all the invitations. ARG would be an understatement. We should have done our research before picking that date. Fucking Nascar. It's just a bunch of cars driving around in a circle. Absolutely riveting.

memmiebear @ 2007-02-16T14:09:00

2007-02-16T19:06:40Z

WOOOOOO I have finished sewing the strips for the main bulk of the quilt, now I just need to iron them and sew them together. This is momentous because I've never gotten this far, only because the actually cutting out of quilt pieces is a PAIN IN THE ASS. Bu I had gotten a handy dandy block stencil which made things go very fast. sewing part is easy as pie and I'm going to hand quilt it when the time comes. Exciting, I tell you. Too bad the first quilt I'll be completing is one that I can't keep. I'm giving it to my friends Erin and Scott as their wedding gift.

I told my parents that if I have a bridal shower, all I want people to give me is yards of fabric and maybe a nice storage thing to put it all in. That would be *heaven*. I love to sew.

And update on my own wedding...we've reserved a pavillion at Myers park for super cheap for August 10th and I've emailed my minister, asking if he's free on that day and I hope like hell he is. That would suck if he's booked. Because the sooner I can get his confirmation, the sooner i can send out invites. again, EXCITING!!

memmiebear @ 2007-02-14T20:54:00

2007-02-15T01:46:44Z

Happy valentine's day everyone

memmiebear @ 2007-02-10T09:57:00

2007-02-10T14:50:13Z

I'm getting married!! *does happy dance*

memmiebear @ 2007-02-09T22:07:00

2007-02-10T03:00:19Z

Is it me or are not a lot of people posting lately

memmiebear @ 2007-02-07T10:39:00

2007-02-07T15:31:40Z

The Decemberists rule. That is all.

Best laugh EVER

2007-02-07T04:40:19Z

This guys has the BEST LAUGH EVER!! It's literally "Yek yek yek Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk" YOU NEED to see this. Prepare for a belly ache, seriously. Goofy Old Guy Laughing

Adrian update

2007-02-05T22:10:57Z

We've moved from squash to carrots and he loves them. Adrian practically attacks the spoon.
He's also trying really hard to crawl by getting up onto his hands and knees and rocking back and forth and wriggling himself forward. Just now, he was standing up and supporting himself by clinging to my pants and walked forward a couple steps, he does this when we hold him up by his hands, so it may be a step reflex, but it was exciting because I wasn't even touching him.